“Teacher, you have a student in your advisory class with challenging behavior.”

This statement scared the hell out of me during my first few teaching years.

How do you discipline a child effectively?

How would they obey the rules out of love and not out of fear? How would you help children manage their feelings and control their impulses? Could I discipline them without shouting or getting mad at them?

These were the questions in my head the first time I heard it. I was so eager to look for answers that I found myself reading parenting books! It seems like being a teacher really gives you a glimpse of parenthood. I have tried and tested several approaches. I wrote here the ones that gave me exhilaration and peace.

As I reflect on my past teaching experiences, I realized that I’m not lenient with children’s bad behavior yet also not too strict with them. At the beginning of the school year, my class and I talk about the rules that everyone agrees with. I tell them that I take those rules and the consequences of not following them really seriously. I let them know that my goal is to make sure that they have a safe and fun learning environment. I noticed that my stern side was effective.

They’re right. Consistency is the key.

However, in the long run, this strategy wasn’t enough. I noticed that children with challenging behaviors couldn’t connect with me as much as the other kids could. They seem afraid of me.

It was probably because of my “teacher voice” that I had to use with them. Or the “teacher glare” that they saw when they misbehaved. I researched and looked for other ways to establish connections with everyone in my class.

I found a research-based strategy and it’s been saving lots of my time and energy. Because of this strategy, I don’t have to raise my voice. I don’t have to wear a mad face. I can smile all day!

The title of the research study is Building a Positive Relationship with Young Children by Gail E. Joseph and Phillip Strain.

A particularly helpful analogy for building positive relationships is from the work of Webster-Stratton (1992): that of a piggy bank. Whenever teachers and caregivers engage in strategies to build positive relationships, it is as if they are making a deposit in a child’s relationship piggy bank. Conversely, when adults make demands, nag, or criticize children, it is as if they are making a relationship withdrawal.

Thus, the key is to put more deposits or at least balance the deposits and withdrawals. Reflecting on one’s interactions with the kid is the most useful. And the best question to ask oneself is, “Am I making a deposit or a withdrawal?” “Have I made any deposits in this child’s piggy bank today?”

This approach has made my job more fun, fulfilling and rewarding. I was so amazed by this strategy that it made me continue to explore and dig some more. Upon digging deeper, I realized that it is applicable in all kinds of relationships. The only part that varies is the depositing strategies.

My husband and I seldom fight, and I think it’s because our piggy banks are usually full! My sisters and I may have some disagreements, but it resolves fast. It’s because we have deposited more than we withdrew from our banks!

There are difficult people in our lives. And if we‘ll think about it, they are difficult because everything is withdrawn from our relationship banks. No matter how much we deposit in theirs, they won’t deposit back. Sometimes, our banks are already cracked and broken. That’s why when they thought of depositing something, it doesn’t work right away. Rebuilding our own banks requires a long time.

Building positive relationships are indeed far from simple. That’s why it has to be started the right way. Once we do, the rewards will keep growing in leaps and bounds.

Also, may we all deposit first on the most important relationship bank amongst all — the one we’ve built with Him.