“Play with us, Teacher Nikki!” Time.
“Can I bring your things, teacher?” Service.
“Thank you for the treats, teacher! You’re the best teacher ever!!” Gifts.
“I felt so bad when you said that it seems like we don't care about you when we talk while you talk. I’m so sorry, teacher. Can you forgive us?” Words.
(Hugs) “I love you, Ms. de Lima!” (Holds my face) “I like it when you smile like that, teacher…” Touch.
In the book, The Five Love Languages of Children, Gary Chapman talked about how to say “I love you” to children in a way that they could really understand.
It’s like when you speak Korean to a Chinese student, do not expect that he or she would understand nor respond.
You gotta know and speak their language.
I‘ve been applying this for a couple of years now, and it has never failed to amaze me.
Here’s what I have observed when they feel genuinely loved:
- Any training or form of discipline is more effective.
- They’re more likely to follow what I say or do.
- They feel safer taking risks.
- They appear more confident.
- They’re more motivated to learn and get better each day.
It seems impossible to apply if one has almost 40 students in class, since it’ll take so much time to know all of them.
I decided to still try it though, and found out that it’s indeed possible!
I remember telling the prayer leader of the day (assigned by class number) to sit beside me during lunch time, so I could snatch time for some conversation and get to know them better.
I also tried to shower my classes with treats (gifts), help them fix their bags, hair, etc. (service), give specific praises (words), hug them (touch), and play with them (quality time).
It really required great effort, strong commitment, and unconditional love.
‘Twas extremely challenging to include in a teacher’s daily to-do list, especially when we have lots of other paperworks to do, deadlines to meet, or dance presentation to prepare for.
However, I decided to prioritise it over everything else.
It was physically and emotionally exhausting, but the results were extremely rewarding.
Even the struggling students improved both on behavioral and academic performance.
I noticed that when they feel loved not because of what they do, but because of who they are, they push themselves to be better.
When it’s clear to them that their actions are the only ones that disappoint you at challenging times, and not their personality, they immediately feel sorry when they make poor choices.
“In unconditional love, there is no if; there are no conditions. I love you for no reason, with no justification. I love you the way you are, and you are free to be the way you are.”
-Don Miguel Ruiz’ The Mastery of Love
Others feel scared that they might spoil a child.
In my opinion, we spoil a child when we show them too much affection yet fail to discipline them appropriately.
In the book, 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12, Thomas Phelan emphasized the characteristic of effective parents when disciplining a child - warm-friendly yet demanding-firm.
There has to be a balance.
Children still need someone to say “no” to them for them to understand what’s right or wrong. They need moral guidance.
However, they also have emotional needs. They need people, who have deep well of patience, everlasting support, and unconditional love.
“Unconditional love shows love to a child no matter what. We love regardless of what the child looks like; regardless of her assets, liabilities, or handicaps; regardless of what we expect her to be; and, most difficult of all, regardless of how he/she acts.”
-Gary Chapman
Ever since, it has become my habit to find every opportunity to love and grab it!
The outcomes are not instant.
There must be consistency not only on how you treat them, but most especially on making sure you spare some time to observe each one of them and analyze what their love language is.
“Take children more seriously, to observe them more closely, to think more carefully about the meaning of what they do, and to like, trust, respect, and enjoy them more.”
-John Holt
It has made my job more fulfilling though, especially when I see them transform right before my eyes.
I realized that what I’m doing also helped me to create meaningful relationships with them, which is one of the most effective teaching strategies among the studies I read (See my first post about it here).
What’s more is that this strategy is also useful for all kinds of relationships I have. <3