Mama’s 5th in Heaven

On this day five years ago, my Mama’s physical body left us.

It was my first time witnessing someone take their last breath.
And it wasn’t like in the movies.

It wasn’t one long final breath.
In real life, it looked more like she was gasping for air.

My eldest sister, who was working as a nurse in Ireland, had already arrived in the Philippines. 

But because it was during the pandemic period, she had to stay in a hotel for a few hours. 

She could only be with us through a video call.

She spoke to Mama, telling her not to wait for her anymore…
That it was okay to let go and rest.

Right after she said those words, Mama, who had been unconscious for 24 hours, took that last gasp.
I panicked, but tried to keep my voice steady.
“Atelis, ano ’yun? Ano nangyayari? Ano gagawin natin?”

Atelis and Papa seemed to know what was happening. I remember them ignoring my questions, and hearing my youngest sister wail, while everyone was saying “Mama, I love you” over and over.

I was in denial.
I wanted to do something. Anything. To save her. 

And then I heard Mama’s lecturing voice in my head (I used to go with her during her Medical-Surgical review season), “The last sense that is lost when a human is dying is hearing.”

So eventually, I gave in…
and said my last goodbye.
Crying…
My tears wouldn’t stop.

Luna wasn’t there, thankfully. During the pandemic we lived in the same village as my in-laws, so my girl had the option to stay with her Wowo and Wowa while we wailed and grieved for Mama.

If I remember correctly, Atelis arrived later that same day. She made it. She saw Mama on the bed, already lifeless. Mama’s face looked relieved and at peace.

But it was painful watching my sister cry her eyes out beside Mama’s body.

After that, my sister went to the extra room. We couldn’t even hug her because of COVID protocols.

I still had a one-year-old daughter to protect, and we had our Papa and in-laws to keep safe.

We strictly followed the procedures, but we stayed outside the room, close enough so she would feel our support.

——

Mama has finally reached the place she’s always dreamed of. She prepared her heart for that day for so many years. 

Attending Mass almost every day, praying the rosary first thing every morning, and sharing God’s word whenever she could. She tried so hard to become a better version of herself.

I can only imagine how happy she must be now…

I miss you so deeply, Mama.
Your hugs, your scent, your hands, your voice.

But I’m happy for you, too.

Thank you for loving me the way you know how.
I’ve come to appreciate you even more, especially since becoming a mum myself.

I never knew love could be this deep until I had my own child.

Thank you for the inspiration, Mama.

I love you more than words could ever express. 🥹