Motherhood Journey

It’s funny how I suddenly felt lost when I became a mother, but somehow it also helped me find my way.

After I had decided to shift my career from being a nurse to a teacher, I would always try to follow my intuition — who to spend time with, who and when to marry, to have a child or not, etc.

“It’s that center located between your navel and your sternum, that’s often extremely emotionally reactive. It’s a compass that’s never wrong.” - Elizabeth Gilbert

When the baby arrived, it was like everything just turned into heaps of worry and insecurity.

Wider hips. Flabbier tummy. Heavier boobies. Always thirsty, hungry, and sleepy. So many bodily changes happen to a woman right after childbirth, yet noone ever told me this — your mental life will never be the same again, too.

Breastfeed her every 2 hours. Change her nappies. Increase my milk supply. These were my only activities for the first few weeks after I gave birth.

The problem was my milk supply didn’t seem to increase. I skimmed several breastfeeding books. Applied everything I read as much as I could — eat lactation food, increase water intake, drink Mother’s Milk tea, pumping, you name it.

None of these seemed to work. I wanted to give up.

What made it worse was the guilt-tripping from a few insensitive people who kept rubbing in our faces what we did wrong. Darn it.

“Am I really for this? Am I even capable of being a good parent? How can I teach resiliency to this little human, if I feel like giving up already? Where’s the persistent Nikki that I know?”

I had too many self-doubts and feelings of shame. I was exceedingly exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically, yet somehow I still had the energy to take care of our newborn. It was dumbfounding.

I knew that strength wasn’t from me anymore — it was all from Him.

A woman really enters a realm that’s beyond her imagination once the baby arrives. I even remember how I suddenly felt like I couldn’t be a daughter or a sister anymore. There was a profound feeling of loss, yet there was also a feeling of gain.

The motherhood mindset develops gradually, too. What’s interesting is that it’s more intuitive in nature. I’ve noticed that things seem to get better whenever I follow my inner compass on making decisions for my baby. Preferences change (especially clothes haha). Reevaluation of closest relationships happens. I also look for a community of moms, cos I know that I can’t do it without any help. (I’m extremely grateful for the God-sent moms whom I got to talk to during that difficult transition.)

This whole parenthood journey has been changing me as a person. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. Sometimes, it scares the hell out of me.

The discoveries and learnings I have gained are amazingly unexpected, though! So far, motherhood has best taught me that:

• Taking care of yourself is taking care of your baby, too.

• Everyone deserves mercy and compassion, but keep in mind that this also applies to you.

• Compassion is not holding oneself to a very high standard, making it impossible for you to achieve.

• Placing boundaries and choosing the people you spend time with don’t mean you’re not a good person.

• Listening to what your body says is as important as letting your mind talk.

It’s funny how I suddenly felt lost when I became a mother, but somehow it also helped me find my way.

Perhaps we should first let go of "how things should be" and accept "what is", before we look for our North Star.

Cos when I did, I unexpectedly found what’s mine — motherhood.